Xavier Agudo’s IMPROV FILM PROJECT | DAY 1 of the shoot…

On October 16, 2012 by PMD-For-Hire

The Improv Film Project Crew | following Day 1 of shooting

This is what we looked like after a full day and afternoon of shooting Xavier Agudo’s Improv Film Project. Yes, this was “on location,” as they say.

Not too worse for the wear and not a bad little shoot within the confines of three adequately-sized rooms, a plush bed for the scintillating sex scene between Nina et Marcal (little French twist there, toots), and a WC = “washing closet” for the pregnancy check scene (where most men don’t even wash their grubby hands after vigorously shaking their one-eyed filthy charleys).

Actor Nina Tratz | http://fb.me/ImprovFilmProject

Highlights from the day: the crew’s technical prowess, some nifty improvisational skills by the actors under our director’s, er…direction, some damn fine craft service — courtesy of Line Producer Alexandra and Production Coordinator Daniela – a pair of really HOT chicks (hubba hubba!), a close call with Berlin’s Finest, and a barge-load of social media shares and photos courtesy of your wicked little PMD, more snaps that you can shake a Peace Enforcer’s long wooden stick at.

A fairly fucking fine day at the office, if you ask me. More to come the rest of this week, kids, more to come. Strap and in and lay off the booze. I’ll be needing your full attention on this one…

So what did we learn yesterday? What did we learn?

Twan Melssen, Juliane Block, Xavier Agudo, and actor Nina Tratz | http://fb.me/ImprovFilmProject

No permits? No fucking problem!

Yet again, the dictum holds true here in our Spree (40%+) gay burg: you don’t need permits to shoot in Berlin.

Director Xavier Agudo, @xagudo, sporting The Inner District's Fuchsian logo

But in that event that you, in fact, do sink your helpless spindly ass into trouble with the law, all’s your got to do is invite your friendly fuzz into your apartment for a cuppajoe and just make sure to overwhelm them with a massive charm offensive. Intercept them before they even have a chance to ascend the staircase and clobber them on all sides with as much fawning, grab-assing, and kind speechifying as you can. I was amazed how spledid director Agudo’s Hochdeutsch was, though. I didn’t know it was that excellent, showing some leviathan-sized balls there and the influence of some German sirens during his premarital days. My word!

HINT: Actors Nina Tratz and Marcal Rotterdam (I don’t know his last name, so I’m just picking The Netherlands’ most successful city as a stand-in for the former “Hustle from Holland”) just let their emotions fucking rip in a totally wicked – gasp! — domestic violence scene which got our neighborhood’s panties in a knot.

While most of our quarter’s residents are known to practice genuine spousal battery of one kind or another on a rather regular basis behind closed doors – coupled with sibling torture and other abuse where the perpetrator is usually three times the size of the victim and sporting a phallus and a butcher’s knife for just looking in the wrong direction – how DARE you use your eyes! What do you think they’re for, seeing?! — the sort of “abuse” our crew witnessed on set yesterday afternoon did little to preclude our democracy-loving neighbors from summoning their German law enforcement overlords to see what we were up to on set in our purely fictional universe.

You know, those same cops our neighborhood’s resident meticulous-file their income taxes to pay for. Ah, shit, was that too politically-correct?

Sure, ceramic vases, potsherds, synthetic tschotschkes, tables, chairs, hard noodles, dollar-store tomato sauce, and certain pieces of gear – not to mention assorted other technical refuse — went flying around all over the show on set, but that didn’t mean we were enjoying seeing our actors in abject pain. It’s a game. It’s a chimera. It’s – as we say in Hollywood – somethin’ from nothin’.

The Inner District | Webisode 2: "Peace Enforcer Jade" 

Also, we weren’t casting our approval of the sorts of awful spousal boxing matches taking place in our Wedding quarter almost every minute of every day by new arrivals from places where the German language is already spoken fluently, especially in the home — you know, the kind of neighborhood where women’s rights are absolutely respected under Germany’s Grundgesetz, for all of the Bundesrepublik’s permanent residents and citizens – but it was amusing that our neighbors rang the cops to sniff our whorish undergarments.

Hilarious as as get-out. We won, though. So go fuck yourself, good denizens of Wedding.

Um, I’m kidding…I think…but in any event, democratic tendencies aside, wink-wink, we got out of that one okay and managed to finish out the day. It’s going to be an extraordinary scene and prepare to have your balls shrivel up into a prune or to get squeamish, because Nina and Marcal really went there, kids. They really fucking pulled out all the stops.

Bottom line: our actors rule!

Oh no! It's the po-po-Polizei!

Five people doesn’t necessarily only mean ten pairs of hands:

Just in case you thought someone whipped out their cock to hold up a heavy camera, no, I didn’t mean this. I’m talking about the sorts of assistance where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, in a truly indie tour-de-force.

Really impressed with the crew Director Agudo assembled for this mini-shoot. I know he’s not tipping the by-product of the coca leaf into their morning coffee mugs, so it must be a dual thing: a deep talent pool here in Berlin, and a fine eye for quality talent by the boss. #BOOM!

We all doubled and tripled-up on our duties.

For instance, speaking for myself, I was stills photography, wheelman, designated dishwasher, stand in for the actors, porn star, and animator for a few hours. Other crew were working the knobs on their fantastic plastic machines and doing similar things. Our primary aim was to make things as fluid as possible for our Fearless Leader. No, not the slurring corporal from Linz…I mean the one hailing from Chavez’s Paradise.

Juliane Block playing with her toys...

I have hosannahs of joy for my co-crew folk and could say so many positive things about them, so I will:

  • Juliane “Boom Boom” Block (and, FULL DISCLOSURE, my partner on The Inner District) was amazing in letting us use her apartment to shoot the entire day’s sequences. Yes, her entire apartment. Not a single room in her flat. Not a corridor. Not a kitchen. The entire kit and caboodle! We even used her bed for the hot sex scene, but Marcal – according to his own admission – didn’t pop a stiffy, so it didn’t really matter…there was no gross out factor or sticky man juice following the sex scene. Besides, all XY Chromosomal Units – including myself – made a concerted effort not to let their urine dribble beyond the lip of the toilet bowl. We behaved our otherwise bestial selves. This is Berlin, after all, city of angels.
  • Alexandra von der Heyde lined produced this puppy like a roadie. We were fully taken care of, and when I say fully, I mean fully. Cookies, coffee service, pasta lunch, vigorous massages, uplifting statements, Goethe-ian parables, white-toothed smiles, and vouchers for use at the brothel across the street from the shooting locale in case were a bit tense and needed a rub ‘n tug—sorry, WTF?!, that was on another shoot, what am I saying? Still, Alex will be running affairs similarly for the remainder of the week and I was digging her bilinguallism: Spanish and German. Reminds me of when I’d gone to visit my father’s old home town of Kosice, Slovakia. Met a guy there who told me he was bilingual. I say: “That’s great! Which two languages?” He responds: “Slovakian and Hungarian.” I go: “That’s not bilingualism, you loser. That’s a headache and seven years of bad sex. What are you going to do with those two languages?” He goes: “I’m insulted.” I go: “Sorry.”
  • Daniela “Spread Nutella on my toast:” Miss D joined us a bit later in the day, but she was working the levers in the kitchen and behind-the-scenes along with Alexandra. Glad to have her around…I was giggling with her towards the end. Know why?
  • Yaccopo Vanini: Some of us thought “Jacob” spelled his name with a “j,” but we were quickly and promptly put in our figgin’ places. Our sound man was genius, though. Pure auditory orgasm. If Xavier’s film sounds fabulous, you’ll know who’s responsible.
  • Twan “Camera Twan” Melssen: a little worried about the Friesian’s taste for Heineken and girls from the world’s porn capital, atheist showerless Prague, Czech “Republic,” but can you blame him? He was a total pro on set, even when I’d crept into his frame more times than I can count with a desire to snag my own money shot. He was polite and kind throughout. Those close-quarters scenes were a lot of fun.

and then, of course, there was myself.

Alexandra van der Heye, Line Producer 

Actors who know how to stick to the gameplan:

Our three sexy players: Marcal “What Was His Character’s Name?”, Nina “Lena Fischer” Tratz, and Luise “Daniela” Schnittert, improv’ed their little tickers out.

I already mentioned how Marcal and Nina did their re-enactment of Forman vs. Ali circa 1976, while Nina later did a tasty lesbo sequence with Luise (I won’t tell you what happened – all you guys who enjoy “Beef Strokinoff” will have to watch the finished product for yourself, m’kay?).


"A"-Camera Juliane Block, Director Xavier Agudo, DP Twan Melssen | http://fb.me/ImprovFilmProject

Xavi is pretty tight with the directions – I was watching. He does this little pow-wow thing with the cast before the cameras start rolling. They are fully-aware what’s expected of them.

He knows – like the good King Wenceslas (<– WTF?) – what he wants in advance, and doesn’t waste time faffing about. I suspect Xavier also orders the lean cuts of veal at his local butcher’s, but that’s just intuition talking.


As for moi, I’m enjoying helping out and here are some of the activities you can expect from me over the course of the next four-five days, kids:

  • behind-the-scenes videos, audio, and stills. Basic PMD-type stuff I do for clients of PMD-For-Hire or for The Inner District.
  • extra work. I might do a walk-through scene or be that inconspicuous greaseball at barside in the strip joint in case Xavier decides to get racy and change the shooting schedule to read with the following slugline: INT. KIT KAT CLUB – DAY.
  • an additional mouth to consume some of the victuals on craft service.
  • possible spiritual advisory services.
  • keeping the cast and crew library ship-shape.
  • lifts to and from the petrol station for beer runs.
  • stretches and other aerobic activity in between takes.
  • an extra brain to remember certain facts and figures.
  • the daily blog.
  • quick wit.
  • ballsy copy.
  • a guy to help finish off the rest of the vodka in the pantry.
  • chocolate tasting.

Okay, I’ll fucking stop…sorry…

Looking forward to seeing what’s going to emerge from the set this week. Believe me, if it’s going on, I’m going to be there. You can count on it, tough guy!


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